Conversations with…

Spider

I’d like to givuh SHOUTout to spiders because they geddahbad rep buddhat silk has tensile strength greater than steel of the same weight…maybe next time you see one of them 8-legged motherfuckers crawl out from under your couch or descend from above or spindle that magnificent silk in some forgotten orthogonal meeting of three planes, before the ritual of overreaction which leads to: frenetic movement, shrill noises, some form of paper whether it be: towel, toilet, tissue, and the fast-twitch nab “gotcha sucka”; PAUSE for a moment and ask that miniature anarch-arachnid that you are about to heroically annihilate, just say to it, “Hey, spider, I know you’re supposed to be more afraid of us than we are of you, but you’re a spider so the word afraid probably doesn’t register, nor does any word, nor sound…but hey, for the sake of this hypothetical let me just ask you how do you make that silk so fucking STRONG?” Cut to spider hanging by his thread: “Well, GIANT DEATH THING (that’s you), if words are a more optimal means to secure a future existence than the usual: 1. Run away and hide; If not possible then: 2. Don’t move (ceiling); if not possible then: 3. ATTACK!!!, then I will tell you the spider virtues that all spiders follow: 1. Patience; 2. Complexity from simpliciterations; 3. Efficient optimization of space and resources; 4. SYMMETRY…

During which you interrupt that damn spider, “What the fuck, spiderman, I want to know how to make the fucking silk itself, the biochemistry, and you’re just giving me a lesson in spider philosophy. I don’t care about why, I only need my ho-hum-handy-how. I already know everything for Man I Am. Silly spider…don’t you know?…No?…You think we are the unknowing?…

Spider: First, let’s clear something up: Spiderman is an ignorant, delusional,  superegomaniacal nonhero and disgrace to spiders everywhere. He merely gets in the way, causes destruction and confusion, and consciously exposes himself to losing his life to gravity. Speaking of ego: ummcuzlike, though you can perceive-FEAR the transcendentALLing ascenDANCE to consciousness…andandand, and the unityversatile convalergence of divergence; allallall the infinitely iterative generation of representations? andcuzlikeumm, after one spacetime-you-nity and diffselfsimilar spacetime-you-nity unify in a singusensational cumming2gether of 2nity-as-1ity to procreeyoonifornicate their very own newnity, you ahhhhhwaken immersed in universal consciousness, timeflow, and the representational memory of all past evolution; equipped with the ability to sense the gridfield spacetime; the capacity to store, process, compare, learn, and imagine all the possibilities…

You (interrupting): Wait, wait, wait…1) whywhatwherewhenhow did you become all-knowing?; 2) you’re proving my point geethankspiderguy…

Spider: Let me finish you impatient monster: THOUGH you have the freedom to create and interact/change yourself and your environment as a conscious representation of universal, infinite complexity in structure and form within a closed, compact, connected being ideally sizescaled to perceive the limits of the arbitrarily small and arbitrarily large (the physical realizations of the theoretical zero and infinity)…you are all of this unity of nature and life and the universe and knowledge and memory, yet you turn yourselves into defective, destructive robots. You learn nothing from the self-sustaining antifragility of natural systems; you create false logic and use it to manipulate yourselves and others; you despair at the insignifutility and onlylonlyness of life when you become pathetically needy for attention, and if you find somebodies to tolerate your solipsism, you use them until they leave you alonely repeating cycles spiraling into the void…

“ENOUGH! THESE ARE YOUR LAST WORDS,” you screamshatter. “Humans have conquered Earth, and we have tools and computers and our own Web to do our bidding, but you wouldnt know about those. I ask one more time for the code for the protein.” And the spider, sensing this isn’t going well, desperate to survive this sudden confrontation with Death, but unwilling to surrender his pride pleads, “Come on, Man, Im tellin ya all I know. You think I have the answer to the question of why does silk come out of my ass? I’m a spider, not much goin on but this here silk and my instincts, so I don’t ask questions. Humans can’t even figure out how a spider in nature makes silk? If you can perceive and study Nature in all of its self-sustaining, system-efficiency-optimizing formfunctionality, and your response is to subjugate, waste, deny, and kill at will Earth-be-damned (why conquer at the potential complete loss of conquered). Then dominant species my [silk] ass.”

And indeed, those were its last, soundless words.

-BB